the despair of those who wander
these are the disjointed ramblings of one who knows not where to go
SEPTEMBER 19, 2023
why am i jealous? is it because i know i'll never be as good as her, no matter how hard i try?
do i hate missing events that my friends are going to because i miss them? is it because i'm scared of missing a good or funny moment? or is it because i'm scared that they won't even notice or care that i'm not there?
when i press my fingers to the scar, i can feel my pulse, the blood rushing through as my heart beats still. it's so close there, i yearn to cut through the distance. the blood pulsing out with each thump of my heart. slippery, sticky, wet. would i grow dizzy? light headed? my vision turning black, spots dancing in front of my eyes? would it hurt? or would i just feel numb?
AUGUST 27, 2023
i would gladly suffer in so many ways if i could just take my friends' burdens from them
AUGUST 3, 2023
i don't want to have my birthday in a week. fuck, i don't want to be alive at all.
it's like, i don't necessarily want to die, i just want to stop existing
"i just want to find someone who will miss me when i'm gone"
AUGUST 2, 2023
if it's in the mouth, will the recoil cause the gun to swing up and hit my teeth (possibly break them)?
JULY 22, 2023
i feel bad for not staying in touch with people, but as soon as i text them, it's just tiring to respond and i can't wait until they leave me alone
best ways:
- mouth, parallel then 45 degrees, goes through the brainstem
- above ear in line with eyes through skull, hits brainstem
NOT TOO SMALL OF A CALIBER, IF I MISS B/C IT'S SMALL, I'M FUCKED
shotgun ideal, or big enough caliber (revolver has slugs, what size? big enough?)
clean up before i do it, not nice to leave my room a mess
I WISH I WAS BRAVE ENOUGH TO JUST FUCKING DO IT
fucking pathetic useless burden
all your friends can barely tolerate you, stupid bitch
i act like it's impending, so soon, i can barely restrain myself, but that's a fucking lie, i'm too cowardly to do it
MAY 17, 2023
it's unfortunate that a shot to the head is the kind of thing where one can not know what it's like until it's done.
MAY 10, 2023
i dream of blood and pain and the breaking of bones
i don't know if i want my own pain or the pain of others more. don't get me wrong, i think of both, but which would be more fulfilling? fulfilling is probably the wrong word
i think of it, sometimes more and sometimes less
a punch to someone's nose, or a backfist. i want that delicious crack, the gush (rush) of blood
get someone in an armbar and break their arm. the crack, snap, give
bashing someone's head in (stomping, baseball bat, hammer). would it crack like a hardboiled egg? i'd like to think that i could stand the sight of brain matter, but sometimes i get squeamish about things like that.
perhaps snapping the neck, just to see if i could do it, and to see what it would feel like, plus that delicious crack
a punch to the throat would be interesting just to watch them choke and try to breathe
interestingly enough, using a knife feels almost too intimate, personal, for someone else. the knife is for my skin alone
the sweet kiss and sting of the blade as it slides across my undeserving skin
perhaps instead of a school shooting it could be a prison shooting, killing only those who deserve to be dead anyway
i think about it sometimes. the cold metal clacking against my teeth, the breath and silence before the bang, the gentle squeeze of my finger (right hand, 2nd finger)
would my brain register the noise, the taste of blood in my mouth (metallic just like the gun), the smell of gunpowder, would it even comprehend those things before it is demolished?
or perhaps it would take minutes to finally be done, minutes of choking on my own blood, minutes of pain that is incomprehensible to me as of yet.
the sheer amount of blood that comes from gunshot head wounds is astounding and impressive (see D and E)
would it spatter against the wall behind me if i sat down and leaned on a wall to do it?
would it be more efficient, quicker, if i put it against the side of my head instead of in my mouth? (it wouldn't be as pretty, not as symmetrical)
slitting my wrists and bleeding out is only appealing because of the sheer amount of blood that would be visible. otherwise gunshot to the head really is the most appealing option.
just put it in your mouth and pull the trigger vs. cut deeply (lots of willpower) and possibly have to do it again if it's not quick enough. the latter is really only appealing if someone else does it bc then i don't have to worry about my willpower or not going deep enough.
i can't believe i haven't done it since february. three whole months, to the day (may as well be years, or days)
how much of this is real? how much is it for the cameras (readers, you)? i'm not sure if even i truly know
MARCH 9, 2023
maybe it's all hopeless. most humans are ignorant, or just plain stupid. I'm ashamed to be a human along with them sometimes.
MARCH 1, 2023
i've researched Bipolar and now i've added it to my list of possible mental diagnoses. is it possible to have BPD and Bipolar? are they mututally exclusive? do the symptoms match up enough that i'm only actually one of them, but it seems like both because of the overlapping symptoms? maybe I've actually got neither and all of this is simply caused by lack of God in my life.
i hope that if i ever commit any serious crimes, they'll find this and read it. damn, who doesn't love the thought of that, knowing hundreds, maybe thousands, might read these words someday.
MAYBE IT'S ALL JUST IN MY HEAD
FEBRUARY 20, 2023
i just feel so fucking empty. one moment shit is going great, next moment i want to die.